I don't know.
All my life, I've felt like I've been on the outskirts of groups. If I were to explore it with a therapist, we might trace it back to when my godmother (my Aunt) and my godfather (my Uncle) abandoned our side of the family; not a big deal, you say, but when your sister has godparents (not actually related) who are constantly telling her how great she is, and you hear crickets, it can get to you.
This continued into school. It was not helped by the fact that I had, perhaps, the un-coolest clothes of anyone, EVER. I look back now, and I cringe, but even then, I knew that I was not destined for the pages of Seventeen. I don't know why I wasn't more savvy about clothes or hair, but in high school I was more like an elementary schooler than a teenager. I hung on the edges of the AP crowd, since I was in the classes, and they were used to me; and for some reason, the most popular girl in school, the one with the killer hair, most fashionable clothes, and who had been dating a senior when she was 13 was a good friend (which probably saved me socially). I was in the band, and felt more at home there than anywhere else, but even there I never felt like I was really "in". I was looking at my yearbook last night with my son, and it really hit home, how lonely I was, and how few real connections I had.
Fast forward to college. And the SCA. The same. Someone posted some old pics, from 15 or so years ago, and I'm not in a single one. Even though I belonged to a large, friendly household, I wasn't included. I think that perhaps this was because I was, and still am, extremely shy, and it's hard for me to reach out and ASK to be included. This, of course, is a vicious circle; if I don't show that I want to be part of it, I won't be asked, and if I'm not asked, I won't show it.....
I talk a good game now, but I still feel it. I'm stuck home more often than not, since I don't get phone calls saying, "Hey! Let's get together!" very often; I'm the one who calls and asks to make plans. I don't have a best friend, and for some reason, that really, really hurts. Should it? Does everyone else have a best friend? The one person they can call anytime, talk to every day, and is the first person they think of to tell news?
I don't want Rainer to feel the same crushing loneliness that I have all my life. I can be in a crowd of people I've known for years and still feel by myself. How do I keep him from being this way???
2 comments:
You know what? Me, too. I don't have a best friend. In fact, it's kind of a stretch to say I have "friends" at all. I have friendly acquaintances, people I know well enough to chat with, but no one who calls me just to talk. What social life I have rests entirely on my children. I go the their friends' birthday parties and talk to the grown-ups. I wait around to pick them up after classes and rehearsals and socialize, briefly and superficially, with the other parents.
Over the course of my life, I have been close to a few people, all of whom move on when it suits them. Life circumstances change, and I don't fit anymore.
I've gotten kind of used to it now.
It sucks. But no, you are not alone.
This is completely the opposite of the image you project, at least as I've seen you. You seem to know everyone (e.g. at cons) and have no trouble dealing with crowds. I, on the other hand, have to fight the urge to hide under the furniture.
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