Perhaps I've done it to myself.

I don't know.

All my life, I've felt like I've been on the outskirts of groups. If I were to explore it with a therapist, we might trace it back to when my godmother (my Aunt) and my godfather (my Uncle) abandoned our side of the family; not a big deal, you say, but when your sister has godparents (not actually related) who are constantly telling her how great she is, and you hear crickets, it can get to you.

This continued into school. It was not helped by the fact that I had, perhaps, the un-coolest clothes of anyone, EVER. I look back now, and I cringe, but even then, I knew that I was not destined for the pages of Seventeen. I don't know why I wasn't more savvy about clothes or hair, but in high school I was more like an elementary schooler than a teenager. I hung on the edges of the AP crowd, since I was in the classes, and they were used to me; and for some reason, the most popular girl in school, the one with the killer hair, most fashionable clothes, and who had been dating a senior when she was 13 was a good friend (which probably saved me socially). I was in the band, and felt more at home there than anywhere else, but even there I never felt like I was really "in". I was looking at my yearbook last night with my son, and it really hit home, how lonely I was, and how few real connections I had.

Fast forward to college. And the SCA. The same. Someone posted some old pics, from 15 or so years ago, and I'm not in a single one. Even though I belonged to a large, friendly household, I wasn't included. I think that perhaps this was because I was, and still am, extremely shy, and it's hard for me to reach out and ASK to be included. This, of course, is a vicious circle; if I don't show that I want to be part of it, I won't be asked, and if I'm not asked, I won't show it.....

I talk a good game now, but I still feel it. I'm stuck home more often than not, since I don't get phone calls saying, "Hey! Let's get together!" very often; I'm the one who calls and asks to make plans. I don't have a best friend, and for some reason, that really, really hurts. Should it? Does everyone else have a best friend? The one person they can call anytime, talk to every day, and is the first person they think of to tell news?

I don't want Rainer to feel the same crushing loneliness that I have all my life. I can be in a crowd of people I've known for years and still feel by myself. How do I keep him from being this way???

Small steps....

On Monday, Rainer and I drove down to Point Pleasant Beach with the Sabatinos: Doreen and her kids, Jilian and Joshua. It's become an annual summer event for us; in the past, we've also taker her day care kids, but she doesn't do that any more, so it was a much more relaxed outing. We went to Jenkinson's Boardwalk ( http://www.jenkinsons.com/ ), which is a wonderful place. Clean and family friendly, it has rides for younger and older children, an aquarium, mini golf, a fun house, loads of games and food, and a lovely beach.

The main reason we go there is for the aquarium. It's very small, but it has loads of stuff in a tiny space. Downstairs, there are several large tanks, including the Atlantic and Pacific shark tanks, and many smaller ones with reptiles, frogs, and smaller fish. There is also the model of the Bounty that was used in the Marlon Brando "Mutiny on the Bounty" flick, and Rainer of course LOVES that.

The African penguins are always popular, and Jilian and I tried to ID them all by the beads around their flippers.

Upstairs, we saw the harbour seals, including Rainer's buddy LuSeal, being fed, saw the other exhibits... but my favorite part of the day was something that most people would probably have shrugged their shoulders over. I have, for years, been trying to get Rainer to touch the animals in the touch tank. However, he has issues with texture and surfaces; that's one of his Aspie things. He can't stand certain textures, and having dirty or sticky hands makes him agitated. I mentioned once that maybe he should try it, but I didn't push, and didn't expect him to, and he said that he would pass. He saw a younger boy doing it, though, and suddenly marched off to the sinks to do the required hand washing, then came back, and tentatively put his hand in the water in the stingray tank.

You have to understand that these stingrays BEG to be petted: they follow you around, and stick their heads up out of the water, trying to get attention. I think that's what finally got him; they were being cute. So Rainer touched one on the "nose", and a smile spread across his face. They weren't slimy at all; they were soft on their heads, and the wings were kind of leathery! He petted them both several times, and then became their champion, encouraging younger kids to give it a try, becoming the "little professor".


After the aquarium, we played the pirate-themed mini-golf, the boys and Doreen braved the funhouse, and we had some very nice ice cream. We wandered the boardwalk, enjoying the people-watching opportunities, too. A very, very nice day, with some very, very good friends.

Been a bad, bad girl.

I need to get back into posting. I keep thinking, "Oh, that's something I'd like to ponder on my blog," but it never happens. So my new goal is to post at least once a week, whether it's about stitching, polish, the kid, my non-existent love life, current events.... whatever. :)